21 Sep 2012
How to Make Your Vision of Love Into Your Reality
The vision of love fulfilled that dances in your heart as a sweet sense of anticipation and possibility is what begins to cast a magic spell upon the energies of Life, and starts beckoning that future into existence.
The pleasant, purring “yum yum yum” of what it will be like when your beloved shows up in your life is what begins to move mountains, and can melt away years of those ice-capped peaks of resentment and the protective walls you may have built around your heart.
Anchoring into a profound sense of faith in yourself and in Life, you can allow yourself to drop down into the part of yourself that holds a larger perspective on your life and what’s possible for you.
Begin to feel those deep desires for connection and care as though you were instructing all of Life to begin moving in this direction, as little by little, and vision by vision, you begin midwifing the unmanifest potentials you hold for the fulfillment of love into the manifest world.
Allowing yourself to imagine those cozy Sunday mornings spent cuddled together in bed with sections of the newspaper strewn around, as though you could actually smell the freshly made coffee.
Allowing yourself to feel into those romantic Saturday-night dinner dates that flow with a sense of joyful ease and play, as though you could almost taste the fresh-baked bread with melting butter.
Or envisioning walking in the woods on a beautiful fall day, nearly hearing the crunching leaves beneath your feet and almost feeling the tender touch of his or her hand in yours, as side by side you walk silently under a canopy of trees, a sweet, crisp breeze upon your faces.
Yet, what distinguishes a vision that magnetizes that future into existence from a mere fantasy that doesn’t, has to do with whether or not you allow that vision to change you, and to alter the choices you are making and the actions you are taking today.
Because in order to navigate your way to your highest destiny in love, you must begin showing up in life in a way that is consistent with the future you are committed to creating, rather than in reaction to your past, which is what most of us are used to doing.
We call it “living from the future backwards,” and it requires us to become very mindful of all the ways that we are showing up in life that are inconsistent with the future of love fulfilled, and with a willingness to course correct quickly.
That might sound easy to do, but when you start living your life from vision, rather than from habit, you are challenged to begin behaving in ways that might actually feel foreign to you, and outside of who you’ve known yourself to be.
That is because we usually make choices about who we are and how we behave from our past. In other words, we see who we are as a combination of our prior experiences.
And because we do this, we tend to repeat past behaviors in the present because that is how we define who we are.
Consider for a moment, however, the possibility that it is our future, and not our past, that determines the kinds of actions we take and the choices that we make.
For those of us who have spent years analyzing our behavior on the couch of a therapist’s office, this can be a whole new way of thinking about our behaviors!
Yet a person who is committed to creating a loving, committed, happy, healthy spiritual partnership in the very near future is going to behave very differently than a person who is still dealing with a sense of victimization about the poor parenting they received, or who sees themselves as someone who has a lot of “relationship issues,” or a person who has difficulty sustaining love and has many push-pull challenges in his or her intimate relationships.
So, the process of visioning is not simply you telling the Universe what it is that you want in your life. It is also a process of being willing to become the woman or man you would need to be to actually co-create and then sustain that relationship.
It’s a process of shedding and releasing all that is inconsistent with the future of happy, healthy love in how you relate to yourself, in how you relate to other people, and in how you relate to life in general.
It’s a process of embracing and cultivating the more mature, healthy parts of yourself, stretching and growing your capacity to give love, stretching and growing your capacity to receive love from others.
Asking yourself what needs to grow within you in order to manifest and sustain this beautiful love that you are visioning having. And then being willing to navigate the moment-by-moment choices you are faced with from the vision of that future fulfilled.
Letting go of reactive, victimized thinking and responses, and making the choice to be the bigger person and to generate wellness and affinity in a troubled relationship.
Or letting go of the need to be right, or to be the one in control, and being willing to begin showing up with more authenticity and vulnerability, cultivating the capacity to trust life, and trust your own ability to take care of yourself if others forget to.
Living from your vision means being willing to let go of who you’ve known yourself to be, and to step outside of your previous identity as someone who is single and fiercely independent, as someone who is basically alone in life, as someone who is unlucky in love, or as someone who is abused in all of her relationships.
It means stepping into a new identity of someone who is blessed by life, someone who is capable of growing his or her capacity for healthy intimacy by learning to set good boundaries, as someone who is more than capable of keeping yourself safe when it is appropriate to do so, as someone who has a great destiny to love and be loved.
And then practicing, right now, this very day, being that version of yourself.
And finally, lest we get too attached to our pictures of what love is supposed to look like, I want to remind you of the seemingly paradoxical position visioning places us in of letting go of our preconceived notions of what “The One” looks like or who that person will be, while, at the same time, cultivating a very real sense of what it’s like to have him or her in our lives.
For visioning is not so much about fanning out the specifics of what he or she will look like — as though we were ordering a mate off the menu from the great restaurant in the sky!
It’s more about being engaged in the process of inner transformation that the vision will demand of us, requiring us to become much more open and available to the possibilities of authentic love that are actually present in our day-to-day experience — rather than living inside of the abstraction of seeing people as objects meant to fulfill our Cinderella fantasies –and begin meeting the unmet needs from our childhoods.
Ultimately, we don’t really have a vision as much as a vision has us.
For once, you begin opening up to the possibility of having an extraordinary connection with another human being where you can almost taste the kindness and care that passes between you, it will begin to alter how you show up in life.
The “List” is great and I’m all for it. I mean, at one time or another we’ve probably all written down those attributes we think we most want our future partner to have.
But trust me when I suggest you now put it aside and begin to imagine a field of limitless love that lives between you and your future mate, and expresses as a constant well of tenderness, comfort, inspiration, co-creativity and mutual care.
A connection that has you lit up, turned on, and tuned in much of the time.
Simply say “Yes” to this vision, surrendering who you’ve known yourself to be, for the possibility of who you might become in order to manifest the healthy, happy love your heart so deeply desires.
Katherine Woodward Thomas, MA, MFT