30 Jan 2013
Dating Nightmare: What To Do When He Flakes?
Remember when I had that gut instinct about Pete? When I just knew we’d get along and turned out to be right? Well, come Tuesday morning – the day of our second date – I have another prickle of intuition.
He’s not going to call. He is flaking out!
I try to calm myself because . . . clearly he is interested. I have had bad experiences with the disappearing-act sort of guy. We all have. Being reactionary because I haven’t heard from him at 11am is not fair to him, however, and only stresses me out.
Except that I am right.
At 3pm I still haven’t heard from him and decide to call him instead. I’ve heard Lauren* advise against this – it’s his job to be a gentleman and make sure to get plans in motion – but I give myself a pep talk (excuses?) about being a modern woman and pick up the phone.
He sounds rushed, his alibi having to do with being out of town unexpectedly on business. He says he may get back to town in time depending on traffic.
For a day and a half, I am morose, as he doesn’t call to reschedule. I allow myself to question what could have happened. I blame him, I blame me . . . I blame the universe and try hard to find someone else to blame too.
But then I mostly just let it go. I don’t know what his reasons are. I’m sure he has them. Another girl, a feeling that I’m the manifestation of an old pattern he’s trying not to get stuck in, something about who I am that didn’t gel as he came down from the pheromone high of our rockstar first date.
I decide that ultimately it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I won’t spend another day, month, year yearning after something that doesn’t work. It seemed like we hit it off. He seemed like he could be a great partner. Perhaps that’s true. But not for me.
So then, it would seem that Pete is off the table, but what about Giovanni?
I explain my conundrum about my Amore Italiano to a few friends.
He’s a dream. Former athlete, successful businessman, worldly and accomplished. He’d bring the moon to my doorstep if I asked, and he’d enjoy doing it. His brand of handsome is really growing on me, as is the softness of his brown eyes. Yet I don’t feel it. I don’t believe he is the one.
I explain this to friends throughout the day.
Laurie encourages me on another date, insisting that I can nudge the chemistry (and the kiss) in the right direction. She’s convincing. There is some chemistry. More, in fact, on the second date than there was on the first. Maybe there will be a little more each time? Am I unable to see what’s right in front of me?
Gretchen, on the other hand, tells me to cut it off. You aren’t feeling it. Be firm, move on. Stop thinking about it. This also speaks to me. I do tend to over-think things, and my intuition has never failed me when it has come to attraction.
Gabriel lands somewhere in the middle. He tells me to go on another date, be entirely honest about the mix of emotions, and see what happens. Maybe it will spur a response that in turn stirs me in one direction or the other? I am very moved by this notion because frankly I would like to see Giovanni one more time. He’s grand, even if he isn’t for me.
I feel that surely this is the way I’ll go until Gabriel caps off his proffered wisdoms with, “of course, you should not trust my advice at all.” Given his recent track record . . . I imagine he’s right about that last bit. Still, I’m tempted.
On the other hand, there is Pete. What an incredible first date we had. Too much, really. Boundaries – physical and otherwise – were obliterated just after the second drink got poured. The connection felt real, powerful.
But the second date got unceremoniously canceled (by him), and there has been no attempt to reschedule. I have to admit, I’m broken hearted. The specter of facing another insta-failure of a budding romance is unsavory. Not the flavor of love pie I was hoping for – or expecting.
So my two promising first dates have turned very quickly into new manifestations of my same old problems. Being partially, but not entirely attracted to the first and being incredibly attracted to the second who behaves poorly, or at least not like anyone who is ready, available and interested in pursuing a relationship of import.
I take some time to do the things that bring me back to myself, including a yoga class where I get away from thoughts about life, love, Giovanni and Pete.
When I emerge from class, I feel great. Alive with the knowledge that I do not lack anything. I may not have everything I want (a soulmate), but I absolutely do have everything I need. I feel renewed and impassioned to use this body & soul, to live this life to it’s fullest.
My phone suddenly chimes with a message from Pete: “Hi.”
And all I can think is, “no!” I may still be weak enough to say, “yes” if he asks me out, but a “hi” doesn’t cut it. It’s not enough. I don’t feel like I’m being valued.
Too little too late? I leave the message unreturned.
The advice of earlier in the day resonates more deeply now. Is it Laurie who is right? Maybe these situations can be reformed. I can teach Giovanni how exactly I want to be treated, kissed. And maybe I can teach Pete how he needs to call in a timely fashion and ask me out like a gentleman? Or maybe Gabriel is the right one. I should just try to talk it out.
But I’m leaning towards agreeing with Gretchen right now. Maybe it’s just time to move on, move forward.
I decide to walk away from the patterns . . . and, at least for now, these two men as well.
Until next time,
Follow our blogger, Khristina Kravas, as she candidly shares her experiences of Man Magnet Transformation and adventures in the world of dating.
* In addition to being this blogger’s love guru, Lauren Frances is an internationally acclaimed love and relationships expert, author and seminar leader. She is also the discreet “go-to” love expert for Hollywood’s A-list celebrities, and her love coaching practice spans the globe.