26 Jan 2013
Can Fear Lead You to Love?
When we speak with a potential client in a strategy session, the first question we ask is “What is your biggest fear in relationship?”
The answers we receive are varied, however, the response always leads us to what is blocking that person from receiving the love they desire. Identifying what is blocking you from love is the first step to removing it. These blocks are not conscious; they were established in your family of origin when you learned “love” from your family.
This concept of love may be very different from what you grow up to desire from your romantic relationships, however, we are bound to create from our subconscious, as this is what is familiar to us. We end up selecting what ends up seeming like the same kind of person or situation over and over again.
Subconscious fears drive most of our choices and behavior in relationship. For example, if you have a fear of rejection, you may find yourself not speaking up about what you desire, or how you’re feeling, because you’re afraid that your partner won’t want to be with you.
If you have a fear that you’re going to mess things up, you may find yourself subconsciously sabotaging your relationships. A fear that you’ll be cheated on can lead to you selecting an untrustworthy partner again and again.
Identifying your core fear provides the opportunity to notice how the fear is driving your decisions and behavior. From this vantage point, you can now make a new choice.
Our 24-year-old niece has been single and dating for the past year for the first time in her adult life. She recently called to share that once again, a guy she met and hit it off with didn’t call when he said he was going to. Her past behavior has been to text or call when this has occurred, and it hasn’t turned out well.
Her fear is that there is something wrong with her that these boys are detecting, and the reaching out to them is how she intends to dispel this belief. Unfortunately, her reaching out does not connect her with the kind of guy she wants to be dating. Her heart desires someone to pursue her . . . sound familiar?
We hear from women all the time that they want to be pursued and wooed, and yet they are so busy doing the pursuing and the wooing that there is literally nothing for a man to do. Breaking this pattern, stepping back and allowing a man to step up, and getting into a feminine receptive mindset are the keys to getting what you want.
Start by identifying what the fear is. In the case of our niece it is the false belief that there is something wrong with her. Her conscious brain knows this is a lie so the exercise we gave her is to sit with the uncomfortable feeling rather than resist it. When we simply allow ourselves to FEEL an emotion, it will transform. Some move faster than others, and the more you practice this exercise, the easier it becomes.
Take the time to sit with the emotion and breathe deeply into your lower abdomen. It helps to place your hand on your belly, where you want the breath to go. Continue until you feel a shift. Select something positive to say to yourself such as “I love and approve and accept myself,” or “I am worth loving!”
Being curious about what you are feeling will help you identify where it comes from. Understanding that you learned this behavior lets you know that you can learn a new behavior. It is not part of your identity or your DNA. It is just a feeling, and a feeling can change.
Moving through emotional fears will always lead you toward your highest and best self and it is from this place that you can allow in a true soul partnership. You are not an exception; the love you desire is available to you.
Orna and Matthew Walters