13 Feb 2013
3 Ways You May Have Stopped Being an Irresistible Invitation to Love
In the beginning of almost every relationship, we’re totally irresistible to each other. We’re perfect in each other’s eyes. We do special things for each other like leave love notes and set up special surprise dinners for our loved one. We can’t get enough of each other. We talk all the time. We tell each other anything and everything. We’re totally open, curious, and willing to be vulnerable.
Then in every single relationship, nature plays what we call a cruel love trick on you and your partner and the love chemicals that make you go “ga-ga” over each other fade away.
And when the “love chemicals” fade away, that’s typically when the passion, intimacy, and spark fade away too.
You stop leaving love notes for your partner, having date night, giving cute, inside joke gifts, looking nice for your partner, being romantic, flirting with your partner, or even smiling at him or her.
The cruel love trick we’re talking about is that when we were born, nature embedded within us everything we needed to be attracted to and fall in love with a mate. But nature did not give us the knowledge from birth to help us keep the spark alive and make our love last.
We’ve figured out the difference between the couples who break up, get divorced, or live lives of boredom and obligation — and those who keep the spark alive forever.
The difference is in how much of an irresistible invitation to love you are.
Whether you’re currently in a relationship where the spark isn’t how it used to be, or you’re looking for love that will last, you might have done or be doing some things that keep you from being irresistible without even knowing it.
Here are 3 ways you could be stopping love and what you can do about it…
1. It’s “pay-back” time
Once those love chemicals wear off, it’s very easy to slip into blaming and playing the “pay-back” game. It might be that he or she said or did something that really set you off and instead of talking about it (because it hasn’t gotten you anywhere in the past), you “pay” your partner back by pulling away, becoming icy cold, over-eating or over-drinking, or staying away.
When you step back and see that you are using manipulative ways to “pay-back” your partner, stop yourself and see your actions from a bird’s eye view.
Chances are that these “pay-back” actions aren’t getting you what you want. Consider that maybe learning to say what you want in a way that your partner can hear might be a better way to – well – get what you want!
2. “Life” gets in the way and you stop making each other important
Okay, so it’s true. After awhile of being together, especially if you’re raising a family, working inside or outside the home, and keeping a household running, it does get overwhelming to get it all done. And there’s little or no room for romance, love-making, and connection.
The fact is that if you don’t exercise the “couple connection” muscle, you’ll lose it.
Don’t allow “life” to get in the way of the two of you making your relationship important. Even if you only connect for 15 minutes a day, make it a point to do it!
3. You stop listening and start assuming
One of the first senses to go in committed relationships is the sense of hearing. We stop listening, really listening to each other. Instead of looking at your partner when he or she is talking, you’re texting, absorbed with the kids, cooking, the tv, internet, Facebook or any number of other distractions that keep you from truly being present and connecting.
In place of listening, you start assuming that you know what your partner is going to say or do. And every time you assume that you know what someone else is thinking, you fall into a trap of expectations that can drive the two of you apart.
Instead of making assumptions, keep your heart and your ears open to your partner. If you do, you’ll find that you’ll not only be more irresistible to one another in that moment but also your love will grow and keep growing throughout the years.
In order to stay irresistible to one another, it takes living each moment as if it were your last together and acting from the love that’s inside you.
Susie and Otto Collins were two of our featured love luminaries in The Art of Love Relationship Series. If you want to learn more about the series, please click here. Over 50 of the world’s foremost experts on love and relationships shared their most recent wisdom and insights into creating and sustaining deep, connected, passionate relationships. This series was the biggest GLOBAL event on LOVE ever!